“two steps forward two steps back”

I know its been a little while since my last post and I guess I was hoping to have some better news.

I asked a respected blogger to give me some advice on my blog and he advised it was quite interesting but my readers may have a hard time believing my life is true. I can assure you the events I refer to here are authentic and my life until now has been very interesting. However it doesn’t mean anything as I was so busy in those moments I didn’t really appreciate them until they were over.

What I have learnt in the last 6 months the best things in life are free and you really need to be present and enjoy your happiness.

Its funny you know I only realised a couple of weeks ago when I made the decision to end the relationship earlier this year I never asked myself what was going to make me happy. I looked out for her but now she is gone, happy in the arms of another man.

I live in tortured silence.

I have dropped the spanish class in the past couple of weeks because I was just too exhausted with life to continue. I have continued with mindfulness meditation once a week and had to spend a whole day in silence on Sunday. I can assure you it was tough.

I have been exercising every day until last Friday getting in shape for what I don’t know? People keep telling me I should be doing these things for myself that I should be happy on my own before I can find someone new. Of course none of them have been alone for longer than 6 months in there lives, where as I on the other hand only had my first serious relationship at 28 and always felt empty on my own.

I am now dreading all the special events I looked forward to when I had a partner, anniversary dates, their birthday, my birthday, Christmas, New Years, Easter, Valentines Day etc etc i am back to where I was in my late teens and twenties. Feeling very alone and the more people Im around the more lonely I feel.

I can’t believe I couldn’t think of a creative gift to buy her for her birthday or think of sweet things to do for her. We shared the same taste in music but i never took her to a concert even though this played a major part in my attraction to her. I have always been romantic and I just had a mind blank when it came to her. I guess part of it was guilt for leaving my fiancé, part of it was stress with work and finances, and part if it was being to focussed on what might happen instead of enjoying what could have been the greatest moment of my life.

Think of it this way I was a 35 year old man who had a beautiful 23 year old madly in love with him, not for his money and not for his position or what he could do for her as she wouldn’t let me help her in anyway and was constantly paying for things. All she wanted was my time and my attention. She wanted me to make love to her constantly and we had fantastic chemistry.

Why would I walk way from that?

On top this it was real we could talk for hours and be engaged with each other. I felt I could tell her any secret and she would have still loved me.Even worse is I was in love with her but hardly told her and certainly didn’t show her. I am not that guy. I would usually tell someone I love them all the time. I m the guy who plans birthdays, anniversaries and valentines day months out.

The one time it really counted I dropped the ball.

So now I am possibly in the best shape of my life, I have a great pace to live, I don’t have to be at work as much although it isn’t going the best, I am looking at some projects that she would have loved to have been involved in and financially things aren’t bad although my ex is really putting the screws to me over the sale of our biggest property. The torture is I am alone and no matter who i meet, date or screw I just think of her constantly.

It stifles me how much she would enjoy this life right now, I could give her all the attention in the world, I could take her away, I have thought of a million nice things I could do for her, I have found all these new bands she would love, concerts are coming up she wanted to go to with me, dinners with friends she would have loved, my ex and i don’t talk anymore, I would have even been cool with instagram posts of us something i never would have gone for before, I would have taken her out dancing and to dinner.

Now she is doing all of these things with another man?

Stay tuned I feel a lot more posts coming.

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