“the road is long when you can’t see where it ends”

So I guess if you are reading this then you may have read my first post. I am back at home now and back at work.

It isn’t easy and it feels like I have been here for months and its only been a few days.

I have never thought about anything so much in my entire life.

How could someone who can make so many smart moves be so blind to the obvious?

I obsess over my situation day in and day out. I wake up almost every night at 4am in cold sweats thinking about what I have lost and how I can never replace it.

Am I insane? I sit in the office and can’t concentrate for more than 15 minutes at a time before going back over the mistake I have made in pushing my happiness out the door.

I have tried exercise, eating healthy and even new projects.

I have started a spanish class and a meditation program but I feel like I’m taking aspirin to cure pain for a freshly broken arm.

It seems now everything is falling apart. My ex has decided to take half my wealth. I have arrived back at work to find business is on the decline.

The only upside is that I have been ready to crawl into a hole and die anyway so if it all goes I guess it doesn’t really matter.

Its funny how when you are down and in a negative space how everything seems to go wrong. A simple task like shopping can even bring an unforeseen challenge.

Is it the energy you give off? I wonder. A friend of mine once said to me that my energy is so strong that I can will success or failure. Well at the moment I am certainly willing failure upon myself. I guess I don’t deserve what I have anyway. I have always prided myself on the fact that I valued everything I have because of what it took to get it but I didn’t value the most important thing in my life until it was gone.

What a life lesson? My fear at this point is its a lesson learned too late.

Stay tuned.

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