This blog is about sharing some hard lessons I have learned in life.
This is my first post so please stick with me. My story is certainly interesting and I hope someone can relate to it, can post a comment or ask a question.
A little bit about me:
I live in Sydney Australia. I am a successful executive who has had a very interesting life. From my younger years walking on the wrong side of the law. I have been a debt collector, a dealer, a thug, a bouncer, a thief, a salesman, a stock broker, own several business’s and I now sit in a very senior executive position.
I was private School educated and came from a reasonably wealthy family until one day my Dad decided to lose it all on a horse. In my lows I have had to survive on rationed rice alone for weeks on end only just being able to pay the rent, to its highs regularly dinning in the best restaurants & drinking the finest champagne.
Ive partied and done drugs with masters of the universe whilst in the company of superstar celebrities.
I have given up a serious drug addiction cold turkey.
I ve stood up to some of the toughest men in town.
I was shot once and survived.
i have been locked up a number of times and aquited.
I have had a contract put out on my life and have had the law all over me.
Ive had my heart broken many times.
I have worked very hard always no matter what side of life I was flying.
I have excelled in many parts of my life, sport, career and finance but I am not currently happy.
Why you ask? I have a lot. I have money, I have style, I am tall, fit and well dressed, I live on the ocean, I have a boat and drive very nice cars but I lost something.
I lost my love.
Now this is where things get a little complicated
I was in an 7 year relationship until a little over a year ago. She was beautiful, intelligent, well educated and we had a great life I truly loved her.
In many ways she saved my life. If it wasn’t for her I would probably be in the slammer.
In May of last year we were due to marry. An expensive wedding the best of the best was planned, first class honeymoon and I was looking forward to it I really was.
There was a problem.
I was working a lot very dedicated to getting a business that had previously been under performing back up to speed.
I became very close with many of my staff we were like a family. Especially one girl. I remember the first day I met her we had an argument she had absolutely no tact at all. But over a 12 month period I watched this girl grow. Eager to learn about the finer things in life and attain them for herself. You see she came from a tough part of town. A broken home where dad had lost his way, their money and for a while even her. She had a boyfriend who had been in jail. She was street but wanted to be better. She was passionate but could be conservative. I saw so much potential in her. She reminded me of me.
She was an enigma.
She was tough but respected herself. She could mix in both worlds as could I. I wanted to mentor her and see her grow.
We grew close and I remember we went for lunch one day, as I did with all my employees, but we were there for four hours just talking. We could have stayed there all night talking.
I must say she was beautiful but I never thought anything other than a friendship would be. We were both loyal to our partners.(both in 7 year relationships)
I was shocked and pleased at the same time when a week later she confessed to me she wanted to be with me.
Now if you knew me you would know I have never cheated on a woman in my life. I like to be the “respect” guy, who treats his women very well and really have a clear picture of the man I want to be.
An enigma if you will I am street smart and tough in many ways but also have been fortunately endowed with style, class and a value that to respect a woman is what makes a man.
I couldn’t lie to myself or my fiancé I had to break of the wedding and end my relationship.
It wasn’t easy and a lot of events ensued. Flights overseas and back chasing and being chased.
When you love someone nothing else matters. I remember at one point I though I had lost her but I didn’t.
In the end I somehow managed to have almost everything I wanted, I had the girl I wanted, I knew it was going to cost me financially and would have happily handed over everything I owned to my fiancé if I knew it would make her happy but it wouldn’t.
The first few months were great we were so happy, we spent almost every day together, this girl and I had so many shared interests especially music. We both organised weekends away. dinners out we had a ball.
Most of all I loved how complex she was how not many other than me would ever understand her. I also loved that very few men were capable of truly appreciating her. She believed in me and I in her.
Then I made a mistake I started having more contact with my ex fiancé to tidy up our finances. This interaction made me feel down. I tried to hide it but by hiding it I took it out on my new love.
I didn’t treat her as I should have I didn’t want to be seen with her. I didn’t want a lot of my friends to know.
I felt guilty. How could I be so happy when the person who had stood by me for 8 years was so broken.
My new love thought I didn’t love her but I did.
I also had pressure from work. I was told a stable home life was important to the company. I was told to keep this relationship quite as it would be bad for my career.
I was so confused I wanted to do the right thing.
So earlier this year I ended the relationship. It was hard. My new love didn’t understand how or why I did what I had done and then undid it. But I felt I was hurting her and it was best for her.
She was heartbroken.
Night after night I stayed at home. My career pushed forward I turned the second business around in two years. I had no one to enjoy it with.
I wanted her to know I wanted to be with her but needed to sort myself out before I could be.
For a few months we stayed friends, she would come and stay over and was happy but when she would leave the next morning she was sad.
I wanted her back but didn’t tell her.
After the last time we were together she told me she had to cut me out of her life that this was too hard for her.
I just wanted to be with her but I respected her wishes.
She contacted me about a month later with a casual text but then saw a post online and assumed I had reconnected with my ex.
She said she never wanted to speak to me again.
I still didn’t chase her for a week. Finally I tried to contact her but her phone was constantly off. I wanted to see her and tell her what had happened.
I called her at work. It was the day before my Birthday. She said she had met someone else. She had changed her number and didn’t want to talk to me.
I was heart broken.
A week later I went to see her. I was surprised how happy she was to see me. I told her everything. I really thought I could get her back. She asked why couldn’t I have done this three months ago? She said she still thought about me all the time.
I asked her for one last shot. She asked what would she tell her new guy? She surprisingly said she would think about it.
The next day I received an email saying that even if she wasn’t with someone she was so sad and alone for so long she couldn’t see herself going back to the source of that.
I spoke to her on the phone and she told me she needed me to let her go. So I did.
End of june and I had officially turned the business around. We had achieved record numbers and and turned a deficit for the year into a profit.
I called to see how she was going she said coldly that she was good and didn’t want to speak to me. She said she had moved on and I needed to as well.
This was it. Part of me is finding it hard to walk away as I have never walked away from what I wanted in my life. I know I stuffed it up.
So what have I learnt?
You cant be successful in life if you aren’t happy. It doesn’t matter how much money you make or how successful you are in your career if you are not happy it doesn’t mean anything.
In addition I know I ripped this relationship apart. I thought I was doing the right thing by her and whilst she may be happy now she was certainly happy with me and I am disappointed I made her feel sad, unloved and unvalued.
I would gladly hand over all my wealth and success for the simple happiness I had.
I am now in the biggest fight of my life.
After all the near misses, sitting behind bars awaiting the dismissals from court, the crime commission, the loss of money, the betrayal from close friends, the drug addiction I quit, even the shooting I survived.
Now comes the toughest challenge of all. You see it seems the more “successful” I am at the moment the more un happy I become.
This is the first time in my life I don’t see a future.
Each day is a struggle. I sit here and write this across the road from one of the most beautiful beaches in the world away from home. I see people happy everywhere. They look at me and think isn’t he fortunate.
Little do they know!